Who's the Fairest

From Changeling Venue

This conversation took place between Lord Valentine and his Magic Mirror.

Magic Mirror: I am the Magic Mirror, I know the answer to all questions.
Valentine: Look, if you're the Magic Mirror, you must know all the players in court.
Magic Mirror: Right, I certainly do.
Valentine: Well, I never met the guys, so you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who I'm up against.
Magic Mirror: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know how changelings give themselves weird names these days.
Valentine: Yes I do, so tell me Magic Mirror, I need to know who is the most beautiful, the most cunning and the strongest there is in court.
Magic Mirror: Oh I see! Well let's see, Who's the Fairest of them all, What's the clever Wizened, and I Don't Know the Ogre's the strongest there is.
Valentine: That's what I want to find out.
Magic Mirror: I say, Who's the Fairest, What's the Wizened, and I Don't Know the Ogre.
Valentine: Are you the Magic Mirror?
Magic Mirror: Yes.
Valentine: And you don't know the fellow's names?
Magic Mirror: Well I should.
Valentine: Well then who is the Fairest?
Magic Mirror: Yes.
Valentine: I mean the fellow's name.
Magic Mirror: Who.
Valentine: The Fairest of them all.
Magic Mirror: Who.
Valentine: The most beautiful changeling at court.
Magic Mirror: Who!
Valentine: The guy getting to first base.
Magic Mirror: Who is the Fairest!
Valentine: I'm asking you who's the Fairest!
Magic Mirror: That's the changeling's name.
Valentine: That's whose name?
Magic Mirror: Yeah.
Valentine: Well go ahead and tell me.
Magic Mirror: That's it.
Valentine: That's who?
Magic Mirror: Yeah.
(Pause)
Valentine: Look, you got an Icebound Duke?
Magic Mirror: Certainly.
Valentine: Who seeks out the most beautiful of them all?
Magic Mirror: That's right.
Valentine: When the Icebound Duke seeks to break the Fairest's heart, who gets hurt?
Magic Mirror: Every moment of it.
Valentine: All I'm trying to find out is the name of the Fairest of them all.
Magic Mirror: Who.
Valentine: The guy that gets broken hearted.
Magic Mirror: That's it.
Valentine: Who gets broken heart?
Magic Mirror: He does, every moment of it! Sometimes his wife comes down comforts him.
Valentine: Whose wife?
Magic Mirror: Yes. (Pause) What's wrong with that?
Valentine: Look, all I want to know is when the most beautiful changeling forms an oath upon his unsullied name, on what name does he swear it?
Magic Mirror: Who.
Valentine: The changeling.
Magic Mirror: Who.
Valentine: How does he swear it?
Magic Mirror: That's how he swears it!
Valentine: Who?
Magic Mirror: Yes.
(Pause)
Valentine: All I'm trying to find out is what's the changeling that's the Fairest of them all.
Magic Mirror: No, what's the clever Wizened.
Valentine: I'm not asking who's the Wizened.
Magic Mirror: Who's the Fairest!
Valentine: One changeling at a time!
Magic Mirror: Well don't change the players around!
Valentine: I'm not changing nobody!
Magic Mirror: Take it easy, buddy.
Valentine: All I'm asking you, who's the Fairest of them all?!
Magic Mirror: That's right.
Valentine: Okay.
Magic Mirror: Alright.
(Pause)
Valentine: What's the changeling that's the most Fairest?!
Magic Mirror: No, What is the clever Wizened!
Valentine: I'm not asking you who's the Wizened!
Magic Mirror: Who's the Fairest.
Valentine: I don't know.
Magic Mirror: Oh, he's the strongest Ogre there is. We're not talking about him. Now let's get back to the guy getting first base.
Valentine: Now how did I bring up Ogres?
Magic Mirror: Well you mentioned the strongest there is.
Valentine: If I mentioned the strongest there is, who did I say's the strongest?
Magic Mirror: No, Who's the most beautiful.
Valentine: What's the Fairest?
Magic Mirror: What's the Wizened.
Valentine: I don't know.
Magic Mirror: He's the Ogre.
Valentine: There I go, back the Ogre again! Will you stay with the strongest there is and don't go off it?
Magic Mirror: Alright, what do you want to know?
Valentine: Now who's the strongest there is?!
Magic Mirror: Why do you insist on calling Who the strongest there is?
Valentine: What am I calling the strongest there is?!
Magic Mirror: No, What is the clever Wizened.
Valentine: You don't want who is the Wizened?!
Magic Mirror: No, Who is the Fairest.
Valentine: I don't know!
Both: The strongest there is!
(Pause)
Valentine: Look, you got a Jack Ketch?
Magic Mirror: Sure.
Valentine: Tell me the Ketch' name?
Magic Mirror: Why.
Valentine: I just thought I'd ask you.
Magic Mirror: Well I just thought I'd tell you.
Valentine: Then tell me who is the Ketch.
Magic Mirror: Who is the fairest of them all.
Valentine: I'm not...Stay out of courtiers! I want to know, what's the guy's that's the Jack Ketch?
Magic Mirror: No, What is the clever Wizened.
Valentine: I'm not asking who's the clever Wizened.
Magic Mirror: No, Who is the Fairest of them all.
Valentine: I don't know.
Both: The strongest there is!
(Pause)
Valentine: And Jack Ketch's name?
Magic Mirror: Why!
Valentine: Because.
Magic Mirror: No, he's a loyalist.
Valentine: (profanities)
Magic Mirror: Well that's the fellow's name.
Valentine: Look, look, look, you got any Courtless?
Magic Mirror: Sure.
Valentine: The Courtless' name?
Magic Mirror: Tomorrow.
Valentine: You don't want to tell me today?
Magic Mirror: I'm telling you then.
Valentine: Well go ahead.
Magic Mirror: Tomorrow.
Valentine: What time?
Magic Mirror: What time what?
Valentine: At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's Courtless?
Magic Mirror: Now listen, Who is not Courtless. Who is the...
Valentine: I'll break your arm you say who's the Fairest of them all! I want to know, what's the Courltess' name?
Magic Mirror: What's the clever Wizened!
Valentine: I don't know!
Both: The Strongest there Is!
(Pause)
Valentine: Got a King?
Magic Mirror: Certainly.
Valentine: The King's name.
Magic Mirror: Today.
Valentine: Today? And tomorrow's Courtless?
Magic Mirror: Now you've got it.
Valentine: All we got is a couple of days in Court. You know, I'm a decent marksman too.
Magic Mirror: So they tell me.
Valentine: I get behind the throne, do some fancy story telling. Tomorrow's Courtless in the hall and the Strongest There Is comes up.
Magic Mirror: Yes.
Valentine: Now, the Strongest There Is challenged me to a duel. When he challenges me to a duel, me being a good shot, I want to ensure I I've got a pretty second to make me look good. So I pick up the sword, and turn to who?
Magic Mirror: Now that's the first thing that you've said right.
Valentine: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
Magic Mirror: Well that's all you have to do!
Valentine: Is take the sword to the guy getting first base?
Magic Mirror: Yes.
Valentine: Now who's got it?
Magic Mirror: Naturally.
(Pause)
Valentine: Look, if I take the sword to the guy getting first base, somebody's got to get it. Now who has it?
Magic Mirror: Naturally.
Valentine: Who?
Magic Mirror: Naturally.
Valentine: Naturally?
Magic Mirror: Naturally.
Valentine: So I pick up the sword and take it to Naturally?
Magic Mirror: No you don't! You take the sword to Who!
Valentine: Naturally.
Magic Mirror: That's different.
Valentine: That's what I said.
Magic Mirror: You're not saying that.
Valentine: I take the sword to Naturally?
Magic Mirror: You take it to Who.
Valentine: Naturally.
Magic Mirror: That's it.
Valentine: That's what I said!
Magic Mirror: Listen, you ask me.
Valentine: I take the sword to who?
Magic Mirror: Naturally.
Valentine: Now you ask me.
Magic Mirror: You take the sword to Who?
Valentine: Naturally.
Magic Mirror: That's it.
Valentine: Same as you!
Magic Mirror: You just changed them around.
Valentine: Same as you! I take the sword to who. Whoever it is drops their sword, the guy knocks mine out in turn, who picks up the sword, throw's it to what, what throw's it to I don't know, I don't know throw's it back to tomorrow, a swashbuckling play!
Magic Mirror: Yes.
Valentine: Another guy gets up, and it's a long leap to because. Why? I don't know, he's the Ogre, and I don't give a darn!
Magic Mirror: Oh... What?
Valentine: I said, I don't give a darn!
Magic Mirror: Oh, that's our Darkling.
Valentine: (more profanity)